Monday, August 16, 2010

too long to wait!

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m so antsy to have Dustin propose and to finally get married.

I think part of it is because I feel like I waited too long to get to be with him. Too many issues contributed to me not meeting him until I was already 32 years old. Too many things held onto by hope, when they should have been let go. I feel like I’m just too damn impatient to get into the life I should have been having all this time. I should have been living all these years married to the person that I love more than anything. We should have been together, moving forward with our lives together, not apart. I should have been enjoying my life with him, with a degree already completed and already well into a career, so that even if it HAD taken this long to be ready to have kids, I would be completely ready to have them now.

I don’t feel like I need to tie him into something, or feel worried that I need to get him attached to me quickly, or anything like that. Honestly, I feel so secure in my relationship, and so sure that this is what it will be like forever, that I don’t even feel like I need to be married. But… the traditionalist in me wants to be married before I start a family. And I want to start a family!

Why this pressing need to get moving on this? First, I’m getting to the age where I’ll soon be classified as “too old”… meaning that I move from a high risk group (with Diabetes) to a further high risk group of old people trying to have kids. I don’t actually feel old. Except that I know the old biological clock is ticking away. I feel like my Diabetes is in control. I feel like my life is in order. I want to lose some weight, but I’m hopefully on the right track for that as well.

The only thing throwing me for a little loop is the school thing. I want to be done, but I want kids more. I don’t want to hold off trying to have kids until I’m done because then I might be too late. I can always finish a semester of school if life throws me for a loop. I may not be able to “always” get pregnant.

I may not be able to get pregnant at all for that matter. What if I can’t get pregnant? I will be disappointed, sure. Hugely disappointed. I will wonder if its something I did, or because I waited so long. And I might never know. But I would be comfortable adopting a child as well. So I know that I don’t want to hurry up and get married ONLY to have kids.

I think I’m just excited to be able to say and know that I’m tied to him. Proud to share his name. Happy to be able to stand with him forever, through everything that life might throw at us. Every little thing that could happen, good or bad, will shape our lives together. I just can’t wait to get started!

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